My Truth

By Angie Cartwright

In my deepest of truths, I thought that if I could stay angry in grief then there would be no pain.  I have learned that anger is a way to survive above the grief.  You can’t touch me when I am in this place.  It shields me from all reality.  My anger, a feeling like any other, is pain.  It’s a painful emotion that fuels all my other feelings.  It keeps me from them at the same time it throws me directly into them. Beneath the anger is my fear, fear of what will happen, what won’t happened, and what just happened.

So this is what grief is for me.  My heart hurts.  The anger lessens but leaves me feeling raw and vulnerable.  My tears begin to flow.

So this is what it is to be human.  I feel vulnerable, raw, messy, scared, lost, and alone. Why do I reject these feelings? They are a part of who I am, just like happiness. When I push away the “bad’ feelings, they get worse.  When I permit myself to feel the “bad” feelings, they visit and leave.

So here is another truth deeper than the deepest:  I want to live, and feel.  In order for me to do that, I have to accept all of me.  I am a human being made with many feelings. To live and feel, I have to experience whatever comes my way.

I know it’s easier to write about this than to actually do it, that’s the truth.  So today I will try to embrace my humanness, not just some of me but all of me.  My healing depends on my honesty, and I can’t worry about what others think.  My life depends on it.